Conversation with OCD, Who raised that girl!?!??

I was having a conversation with OCD this afternoon. She was bored (obviously, or why would she have come to my office to hang out??), and she sat on the other side of my desk, doing stuff on her laptop, while I was making phone calls and arguing with attorneys and handling various matters.

At one point, I started thinking that here is this beautiful young girl sitting across from me and I don't remember raising her. I have this horrible memory. Let me give you an example:

One day, a couple of years ago, I was talking to OCD and I noticed that she had a scar under her chin.

"Where did you get that scar?" I asked.

OCD said, "When I was little, I jumped off a diving board into a pool, but I got scared at the last minute and tried to leap for the side of the pool, and I hit my chin."

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed. "Did you have to get stitches??"

"Yes," she said.

I was shocked because I couldn't believe that my daughter had gotten stitches and I hadn't been there or even known about it!

I asked her if she went to the hospital, and she said, "Yes."

I was more shocked. "Who took you?" I asked. She looked at me funny, and said, "You did!"

Fast forward to today, and I, thinking about how I don't remember raising my kids, asked: "Do you feel like I'm your mom?"

She looked at me funny and said, "Yes." And I think she also said something like, "Geez, mom."

I thought about that for a minute because, well, it's not that I don't feel like I'm her mother, but it's like, how could I be her mother if I don't remember raising her???

Then I said, "If I tell you something, promise not to feel bad?"

"Oh my God!" (I think she said.) "I don't know if I want to hear this!" OCD looked like she was ready to bolt. (OCD always looks ready to bolt when it appears that something might become confrontational.)

My kids are used to hearing me say things that make them feel bad. I'm such a bad mom. For instance, once, when Teeter was about 10- or 11-years old, she asked me if she was a "good baby" when she was a baby. I said, "No, you were so bad that I wanted to throw you out the window."

I was kidding, but see, she had colic. If you ever had a baby that had colic, you would know that eventually that appears to be your only option is to throw the baby out the window. It just won't stop crying!!!

But Teeter didn't think it was funny. She ran from the room crying.

So I said to OCD, "I'm such a terrible mom! I always say things to you guys that make you feel bad. Don't worry, I don't think this is bad, but do you know that I don't remember raising you?"

OCD visibly relaxed and said, "Oh, mom, we ALL know that you don't remember raising us!" And she casually went back to what she was doing. But she said, "As long as you also don't remember raising the Student and Aspie Boy, it's okay that you don't remember raising us. ("Us" meaning Teeter, OCD and Fairy Boy. There is a 7-year gap between the older three and the younger two.)

We agreed that me as an equally opportunity retard (or something like that) was okay, but I couldn't selectively exclude memories of raising the older three.

I already know that I am forgetting things about raising the Student and Aspie Boy. I know I was there. I do actually remember walking in circles with the Student when she was a baby, trying to get her to sleep, as she cried and cried, because she had colic, too. (All my kids had colic except for Aspie Boy. Teeter's was the worst.)

But it's all vague and hazy. I think it's sad, in a way, because here I have had 5 kids and I don't remember raising them. I know it has something to do with ADHD and Asperger's, as I have both, but I'm not sure why, exactly. Pictures are really helpful. I should take more pictures. Except that often I have looked at a picture and I don't remember the situation. The faces in the picture, including mine, look familiar, but I don't really remember the situation captured.

Okay, obviously I DO remember some things. But for the most part, I look at OCD, or Teeter, or Fairy Boy, and it's all kind of vague and hazy. They often say, "Mom, do you remember when...." And I don't. They've given up trying to jog my memory.

The Student is finally getting it. I think they have all been around the age of 12 or 13 when they get it that I'm not being mean or a bad mom. I just simply don't remember anything.