My Guilt

I saw exactly 1 1/2 of my #2's softball games this season. I am tired of all the extra curricular activities that we signed up for. Every night of the week we usually have something throughout the spring. Remember, I have 5 children, 4 of which are signed up for things.

Tonight, was #2's last game, the game that I only saw half of. #2 was out left outfield, so I went and sat in the grass where she could see me. I didn't want to sit on the bleachers with the other parents where she wouldn't know that I was there. When she looked up and realized that I was there, her whole face lit up and I cringed inside. I felt so guilty in that moment for missing so many of her games. In my head I really tried to believe that being there wasn't very important. Boy, was I wrong.

I will now try to be at every game. I sat on that grass, under that tree, realizing that the kids only have that time to truly shine in their own eyes, believing that they are wonderful in their parent's eyes. These kids need us parents to be there to show them how truly important they are. That us parents took the time out of our very busy day, to watch a very boring game, to show them that they are the most important thing in that moment.

It's that time of year again!!!

Does this fall under "random confessions"?


















Some of the pictures are duplicates, but that doesn't matter. One simply can't get enough of the Jacaranda tree, now can one?

Here is a video from last year that I took while roller blading:

The Future

I am desperately afraid of the future. This fear of mine started about 11 years ago and then got real strong around 9/11. It took about 5 years to get it to mellow out a bit. Every now and again, the fear of the future hits me really hard. I start to feel really anxious, almost panicky. The unknown freaks my shit.

Tonight is one of those nights where I get to have a hard time getting my thoughts to shut up. Sigh. I hate nights like this.

Subtitles

I watch movies with the subtitles turned on. All movies.

I was able to justify this because the only movies I've been watching recently are older with not great sound quality. Turning the subtitles on was just good sense as far as I was concerned.

But then I watched Juno, with subtitles, and it occurred to me that maybe I'm becoming hearing-impaired.

Seriously.

It seems like all I hear is mumbling, and not just in movies. I find myself constantly asking people to repeat themselves.

But then, sometimes I don't think I'm going deaf so much as I just can't hear over the voices in my head. This makes me sound crazy, I realize.

Hubs calls me crazy on a fairly regular basis, but seeing as I just admitted to hearing voices, I'm not sure I blame him.

Frustrated!

We moved back in a month ago! A whole MONTH! and guess what?!! That's right, the house is still not done. I am so frustrated.

I have been left to finish it all by MYSELF. Everyone has given up. So, I sit here feeling totally and utterly overwhelmed.

Today, I decided that I will finish emptying all the boxes myself. So, I went out back and started taking stuff out of one. And Oh MY GOD, can you guess what I found? A cockroach the size of Texas! EWWWWWW!!! I am so glad that I didn't bring the box into the house.

We get a lot of roaches here in Southern Utah. They aren't the ones that infest your house and you can never get rid of....we had those when I was growing up, the kind that scatter when you turn on a light. Uck! No, these kind are HUGE and they come in so they can die. It's wierd. They try so hard to come in and then they flop over onto their backs and squirm and die. I don't know if they are actually cockroaches. I have heard them called water bugs.

They look something like this:



Now, do you think that I can really unload any boxes?! NO!! Of course not. Roaches freak me out. They are gross.

Not only are we not unpacked, we don't have the new lights in, the covers on the plugs aren't on, there are no mirrors in the bathrooms, we are still missing a couple of cupboard doors, and the paint still has to be fixed. All in all, at this rate, the house will never get done.

Ramblings of an older woman thinking about American Idol

When I was a young girl, let's say 12 or 13 years old, I remember looking at a guy who appeared to be older then me and thinking, "Would he be interested in me?"

As the years passed, it wasn't much of a thought any more as I went in and out of relationships. I didn't think any more about whether someone would be interested in me. As an adult woman who was attractive, I found my share of relationships.

But I was watching American Idol last night and the last contestant was David Cook. I haven't cared too much for him up until now, the "now" being the night of March 25, 2008. I thought his performance was amazing.

Looking at his performance caused me to think about how he appealed to me. His performance was sexy, sensual, and charismatic. And even though I am not interested in finding someone, I thought, for a second, how in the past I have been interested in someone who didn't even know I was alive, such as when I was 12 or 13.

And as circles do, they come back to encompass the initial thought process.

I am older, now, and I see a guy like David Cook, and I think, "Would he be interested in me?"

These are odd thoughts of a woman approaching 50, I admit. And it's not even that I am looking. I am happily married and I wouldn't be interested in being with someone younger than myself, for various reasons.

I wonder if it's a question that women my age ask themselves, as they age. Am I attractive to anyone besides my husband, who is supposed to love me and find me attractive? Would anyone know I was alive?

Confession

I wear sunglasses not because I need to protect my larger-than-average sized pupils, but for the sole purpose of avoiding any potential wrinkles I might get from squinting into the sun.